5 jokes about New York and New Yorkers

Jokes are a great way to understand New York and New Yorkers! Here are 5 jokes featuring New Yorkers. You’ll discover that while the French love poking fun at Belgians (and vice versa), Americans absolutely love making jokes about New Yorkers. Spare the rod, spoil the child, right? 🙂

The Wealthy New Yorker and the Bank

• A wealthy New Yorker walks into a bank on Wall Street and asks for a small loan. She states the amount and mentions she’ll repay it in two weeks. The bank manager hands her a stack of documents to fill out. The New Yorker is in a hurry, so to speed things up, she offers to leave her Rolls-Royce as collateral. The manager agrees, approves the loan, and takes her keys.
• Two weeks later, the New Yorker returns and repays the loan with minimal interest. In the meantime, the manager had discovered she was a client at Chase Manhattan Bank and headed a substantial fortune.
• As he hands back her Rolls-Royce keys, the manager asks, puzzled: “Ma’am, may I ask why you needed to take out a small loan at our bank?”
• The New Yorker replies: “I was away on vacation for two weeks and needed a safe, free place to park my Rolls-Royce. Where else can you find that in New York?”

At the Restaurant

• A Russian, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are dining together at a restaurant in London. When the server brings the menu, he looks embarrassed: “I’m sorry, but we’re out of meat due to a shortage.”
• The Russian asks: “What’s meat?”
• The Frenchman: “What’s a shortage?”
• The New Yorker: “What’s ‘I’m sorry’?”

At the Gates of Heaven

• A priest who served at St. Patrick’s Cathedral dies and goes straight to heaven. He arrives at the gates and finds another man waiting ahead of him. The man is disheveled, poorly dressed, half-asleep, and muttering curses while tapping his foot impatiently.
• God suddenly appears and, in a grave voice, asks the man: “What did you do with your life?”
• The man answers: “I was a taxi driver in New York.”
• God replies at once: “Take this gold-embroidered robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
• God then turns to the priest: “What did you do with your life?”
• The priest answers, intimidated: “Lord, I am a priest and spent 50 years teaching your commandments to the faithful in my parish in New York.”
• God says: “Take this cotton loincloth and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
• The priest’s eyes widen and he dares to ask: “Forgive me, Lord, but how is it that this crude taxi driver received a gold-embroidered robe while I dedicated my life to your service and receive only a modest cotton loincloth?”
• God replies: “It’s about results, my son, results. While you preached at St. Patrick’s, people slept in their chairs and tourists took photos. But when this taxi driver drove, people actually prayed!”

An Expedition in the Amazon

• An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker set out on an expedition deep into the Amazon rainforest. They walk for days and days and eventually get lost. As they try to find their way back to civilization, an Amazonian tribe captures them. Within minutes, they’re tied up and brought to the village.
• The chief receives them and thunders: “You have desecrated our sacred land and we will carry out your sentence: death. We will skin you and use your hides to build our canoes.” The chief continues: “However, before we take your skin, I offer you the choice of how you wish to die!”
• The Englishman answers: “I choose the gun!” He cries “God save the Queen.” Bang! The Englishman dies.
• The Frenchman responds: “I choose poison.” He cries “Vive la France,” drinks the poison, and dies.
• It’s the New Yorker’s turn: “I choose the fork.” He grabs a fork and stabs himself frantically all over. Blood spurts everywhere. And the New Yorker shouts: “Good luck building your canoe now!”

Simon Says…

• Four Americans are driving to Las Vegas. One is from New York, one from Georgia, one from Nebraska, and one from Florida.
• After several hours on the road, Simon, who is from Nebraska, opens his bag, suddenly rolls down his window, and throws ears of corn out of it.
• “What are you doing?” the others ask.
• “In Nebraska, everywhere you look, there’s corn,” Simon replies. “So now that I’m on vacation, I don’t want to see a single ear of corn the whole trip.”
• The American from Georgia rummages through his bag too. “You’re right,” he exclaims. “In Georgia, we have peaches everywhere. I’m sick of seeing all these peaches!” And he throws the peaches from his bag out the window.
• The American from Florida opens his door and throws the New Yorker out.